The Illusion of Control
“Would you rather have carrots or broccoli?” When my kids were little, I didn’t care which vegetable they picked, so long as they picked one. Framing the question didn’t harbor the possibility that saying no to veggies was even an option. That wasn’t my first approach to get my kids to eat their veggies. “Eat your veggies” was far less successful. It was a command, and it invited resistance. A request, “Will you eat your veggies?” could have been answered “yes” or “no,” and alerted my kids that “no” was an option.
People have a lot less control than they think they have. No amount of emotion or energetic body language directed at the TV will change what’s happening on the screen. I recently watched a friend play craps, and noticed that sometimes he rolled the dice harder than others. When I asked him about it, he said, “That’s for when I need the high numbers.”
The illusion of control goes both ways in a facilitation, for the participants and for the facilitator. Facilitators are granted transitory and temporary authority to guide the group. That authority can evaporate in an instant. When a participant perceives that their own interests are being negatively impacted by the direction of the group, they’ll resist the process and try to reassert their own authority. That often shows up as a direct challenge to the facilitator: “What do YOU know about my job?” or “This process isn’t going to work!”
Avoid the power struggle altogether by threading choice throughout the process.
Add “make requests” to your ground rules. At the initial framing of the session, conclude your list of ground rules with “make requests.” Say, “This is your meeting! This has to work for you. If we need to take a break, ask! If we get going and need to stretch the schedule, ask for that, too! Ask for what you need. In fact, what additional ground rules would you request right now, such that we can be successful in achieving our outcomes?”
Preference checks: straw polls, dot votes, fist of five, or gladiator polls are all quick ways to gauge buy in and commitment.
Small group conversations: it’s easier for individuals to influence, share their views, and make their voices heard in a small group.
“Vote with your feet,” a term coined by the late Harrison Owen, gives participants to opt into activities and conversations of their own choice by physically moving to the place in the room where that activity or conversation is happening.
Facilitation aikido: when energy is thrown at you, direct it back to the group. When someone says “this process isn’t going to work,” don’t challenge it. Acknowledge and seek out other viewpoints. “Bob, thank you for sharing that. I’m wondering, do others feel the same way? Does anyone feel differently?” Someone will always affirm that the design of the meeting is right for the group.
And most importantly, don’t fall victim to the illusion of control yourself. You can’t make anyone do what you want, even if what you want is in the course of doing what you’ve been hired to do. As a facilitator, your authority in the room is vapor. You only have it as long as you serve the people and the process.
Ideas:
Pick from any of the over 200 processes in our resource folder here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Y562rgxHxWEiTcfcTJ37atuWytDGSBNz?usp=sharing