Are you making points or progress?

Thankfully, it doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes I get called in to facilitate groups that treat me like I’m not even in the room. That’s not great.

They ignore my instructions. They don’t answer my questions. They are on their devices more than they are in the meeting. 

I used to take it personally. Then I realized: they weren’t ignoring ME. 

They were ignoring EVERYONE. 

I noticed that their statements didn’t connect. Someone would say something, then someone else would say something totally unrelated. And then the next person would say whatever was on THEIR mind. And so on and so forth. It wasn’t a melody, it was every instrument in the orchestra playing whatever notes they wanted to. They simply weren’t listening. 

They were making POINTS. 

It’s as if they believed there was some omniscient judge or godlike referee that was keeping track of points, awarding them to whoever said the most winning statement at that particular moment. There were only two positions to play: trying to win points, or on phones and laptops.

I’m not sure what’s to blame for this. Maybe it’s ego. Or maybe it’s competitive grad schools where there IS a professor who listens to debate and awards points. Or maybe it’s when an organization fosters a culture of “robust dialogue.” Or maybe it’s individual personalities and preferences that value debate over decision, that are squeamish about making decisions, that prefer to be on the line of inquiry rather than the line of advocacy. 

Regardless of the cause, on occasion, I find myself having to deal with it. 

I’ve tried many ways, and so far the best way I’ve found is to name it to tame it. I briefly and objectively describe the dynamic as I see it. 

“I’m noticing that there are some really great points being made, but none of them seem to be going anywhere. I’m concerned that your ideas are getting lost and not finding any traction. I’m wondering if you’ve heard anything that you could get behind or agree with. Because I think that ultimately, you want to come to a decision on this topic, and to do that, you need to make progress, not points. That means listening to and building on each other’s ideas.” 

then I ask the group:

”I’m wondering if anyone else has noticed the same thing. If you have, I’d like you to ask yourself: are you making points, or progress?”